Escapades of Captured Pilots
by Navi
Summary: The G-Boys get captured and this is the story of what they do to annoy the guards. These fall in no order...except for the order I type them up in. The G-Girls will make some cameos also. R&R. ^_^
1. Wufei Wouldn't Like It

A/N: OH MY GOD!!!!!! Were not dead!!!! (Meaning J-San and I.) I have been a bad editor and J-San has been busy with an awful 7 page history essay::runs and hides in a corner:: Well anyway this is our new series about the G-Boys getting captured and what they do to the guards to annoy the hell out of them. We don't own Gundam Wing.  
  
  
  
Wufei Wouldn't Like It  
  
The captive pilots sat eating a meager dinner in a large cell that they all had to share. "Wufei wouldn't like this at all," Quatre said. " There are women guarding our cell and brining us our meals." Out side the cell the two women guards began to gossip. The five pilots shut up as they eves dropped on the conversation.  
"Oh God, like, you know how guys always seem to be so afraid of the doctor?" One guard asked.  
"Yeah, like, I've always wondered why?" Asked the other guard. Evidently they had just been to the infirmary.  
"Two words," Heero said. " Rectal Exam." There were various cheers and laughter from his fellow pilots. Zechs raised his glass in Heero's direction. Out side the cell the two women guards heard Heero and shut up from their gossiping.  
"Yeah," Trowa said to the guards. " You women are use to having stuff put up in you, and, well, we're not." Once again the pilots burst into laughter as the women growled angrily.   
Duo wiped tears from his eyes. " Oh man...that was hilarious! We need to be captured by the enemy more often! I forgot how much fun it was to bother the guards!" he said.  
  
  
  
A/N: Stay turned for the next escapades of the captured Gundam Pilots titled: I Am Your Mother.  
  



	2. I Am Your Mother

I Am Your Mother  
  
  
In their cell, the six pilots laid out on the floor trying to get some sleep. The two newbie guards who guarded the cell had kept them up all might. Dou pounded on the door.  
"Hey! Its fucken cold in here!" he yelled. Several huge blankets flew in through the door then the cell was locked again. The pilots eventually nodded off nod off and were awakened by the guards changing shifts.  
"Hey Luke!" yelled on of the guards. Quatre looked of the cell window and saw a huge, muscle bound man walking down the hall toward the cell. Quickly he gathered everyone around him and whispered his new plan for a prank. Heero got up on Dou's shoulders while Trowa threw a blamjet5 over them. Using a small cord from Wufei's coat, Heero tied the cord around his neck creating a hood that hid his face. Zechs clasped his hands together and held his palms over his mouth. Quatre cupped his hand over his mouth and began to breathe heavily. He sounded just like Darth Vader.  
"Luke," Zechs said. His hands made his already deep voice into an exact imitation of Vader's voice. The guard turned and looked through the tiny window into the cell. "I am your mother." Luke scrambled back from the horrific figure in the cell.  
"No...that's not true! Its impossible!" he wailed.  
"Search you feelings," Zechs said. "You know it to be true!"  
"Nooooo..." moaned the guard. Heero held out a black-clad hand toward the bars.  
"Join me and together we can rule the universe as mother and son!"  
"No...your not my mother!" Luke protested.  
"You're right, I'm not!" Zechs said in his Darth Vader voice. Quatre couldn't contain his laughter no longer and fell upon the floor. Trowa slid down the wall laughing uproariously as Darth Duo-Heero fell over with laughter. Zechs tried to contain himself long enough to say something else, but he couldn't find the control to do it.  
  
When it came time to switch shifts and feed the pilots their lunch, the replacements found Luke curled up across the hall trembling with fear. Inside the Gundam Pilots hadn't calmed down yet.  
That night when the Gundam Pilots finished their dinner, they leaned against the walls of their cell. They were bored out of their minds from lack of something entertaining to do.  
"Hey you trash out there!" Dou yelled. "Get us a T.V. or something!"  
"No Gundamned Pilot!" Dou sighed.  
"This is so damn boring."  
  
A/N: J-San and I don't own Gundam Wing or Star Wars. So don't sue us. Make sure you fill out that little blue box at the bottom. I just got a new shipment of Piranhas in...I don't want to use them for human feeding cause I think fried piranha is really good. But if you don't review...I'll have some piranha food. ^_^  
  
Stay tuned for the next installment of Escapades of Captured Pilots. Entitled: Dou's Oranges.  
  



	3. Duo's Oranges

Dou's Oranges  
  
"What's he thinking?" The Ditzy guards were back and eyeing Zechs suspiciously. He had a big dopey grin on his face.  
"I'd like a beer and to see something naked." The other pilots bust into fits of laughter at Zechs' sudden outburst. The guards simply glared.  
"You're kidding right?"  
"I wish I was...but I'm not. That's it. From the ages of fifteen to the grave, that's what men are thinking. If you see an eighty year old man in a nursing home in a wheelchair, that's what he's thinking," Zechs said. Then in an old man's voice he added, "I'd like a beer and to see something naked." There was more hysterical laughter. Suddenly two important looking people strode into the cell. One lifted Duo by his braid.  
"Hey, I didn't know one of the Gundam Pilots was a chick," he said looking away from duo at his colleague. Duo boiled with anger. Quatre swiped two oranges that Trowa was juggling and stuffed them into Duo's shirt.  
"Look at her! She's puny!" The man was referring to the oranges in Duo's shirt. The pilots shook with silent laughter. The second man looked Duo over.  
"That must be...Duo. I figured that the wanna-be-guy would be in the one with all the guns. Or did he fly the winged one (A/N: the dude is talking about the Gundams if you don't know.) Apparently these guys had no clue who was who and who piloted which Gundam. The second man turned to Zechs.  
"You must be that...Wufei guy right? You look tough." Zechs looked down at him. He was an old man, in his seventies, hard of hearing and shot of sight and stature. "That blonde kid must be that...of what's his name? Oh yeah! Heero You-wee." The old man peered at Trowa through his thick glasses, "I'll bet yer that Zechs one. An' that makes him..." the old fart paused and pointed at Heero. "He's that Winner kid." The guy who was checking out Duo's 'breasts' counted on his fingers,  
"Uh...ey! We missed one," he said and squeezed Duo's left 'breast.'  
"You idiots!" raged the American. He yanked the oranges out of his shirt and brained the man who held his braid. "I'm a guy! I'm Duo, that's Zechs, that's Quatre, that's Trowa, that's Heero, and Wufei is the one that isn't here! You dolts are the biggest flamers I've seen!"  
"Smooth Dou," Zechs spat as the two men left. " Real smooth. You shoulda let them try to figure out who was who. We were going to escape once Quatre had seduced those two ditzes they call cell guards."  
"You're both very sexy," Quatre said to the guards looking them straight in the eye and sounding for all the world he meant it. They were over come by Quatre's smooth talk and fainted dead away.  
"Dude, even if they had stayed up till now. They wouldn't have let us out."  
  
  
A/N: Ok once again (and unfortunately) we don't own Gundam Wing. For those of you that have been complaining that these 'escapades' are too short...there suppose to be short. There only little events that out boys use to annoy the guards. There not meant to draw the plot out and create conflicts and such. But the good news is they will be getting a tad longer. When I'm done with Escapades, you'll get you long story like chapter for the next Gundam Wing story. Now review! I command you to do so!  
  
Stay tuned for the next installment of Escapades of Captured Pilots entitled: Why Wufei Can't Have Alcohol. ^_^  
  
  
J-San say: To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you're not, pretend you are.  
  



	4. Why Wufei Can't Have Alcohol

Why Wufei Can't Have Alcohol  
  
  
The enemy prepared the meals for the prisoners in the mess hall under the strict orders from the Grub Master. They were to give the prisoners nothing but bread and water to eat. One of the cooks eyes the trays in front of him, "Hey! We're one water shot!" he yelled. " What do we do?"  
"We're not rationing out our water! Use something else!" answered the Grub Master. The cook glanced around for something like water. They had plenty of soda, milk, juice, and alcohol...wait! The cook opened the refrigerator containing the warship's supply of alcohol and triumphantly withdrew a tall bottle of clear liquid.  
"Vodka looks just like water! They'll never tell the difference." He poured a glassful and ordered some guards to deliver the food.  
  
In a cell made for seven, Heero, Dou, Trowa, Quatre, Zechs, Noin, and Wufei sat passing the time by bantering back and forth at each other. "You suck," Zechs said to no one in particular. He had run out of original insults to say.  
"Yo' mama," Wufei retorted. Noin's eyes lit up as she recalled all the 'mama' jokes from her childhood.  
"Yo' mama's so fat that she need a boomerang to put a belt on." Trowa was the first to catch on.  
"Yo' mama's so dumb that when she went to a football game, she thought the quarterback was the guy you got popcorn from. Speaking on food..." The guards walked in, distributed the food to the prisoners, hit on Noin, and ran when Zechs stood up to kick their asses. Wufei lazily looked at his glass and started to stuff his face with his bread. He titled his glass up and took a sip of his 'water.' Noin saw his face sour as he lowered the glass.  
"What's wrong?" she asked. Wufei frowned and took another sip.  
"My water tastes funny. Can't figure out why though." He took another sip and Noin went back to her food. The guards came back to take the trays a few minuets latter. They all stared as Wufei held his tray out to the space next to the fist guard.  
"Are you Okay man?" Duo asked. Wufei turned to him glaring at him in his usual style, but he was staring at the two huge lumps that had mysteriously appeared on the American's chest.  
"Ah shit!" yelled Wufei in surprise. "Dou gotta sex change!" Duo reddened angrily as the others stared at Wufei in surprise. Noin was sitting closest to him and leaned over to look at him.  
"What's wrong with you?" she wondered. Wufei grinned giddily and flopped over on to her.  
"It'sh a woman..." he slurred. "Women suck a-hic-cock...Onl good for...cookin' babies."  
"He seems okay to me," Quatre said. "He's always sayin' stuff like that. Except the 'cooking babies' part."  
"I ate a baby!" Wufei mumbled. "Noin gonna hab a baby?" Noin could only wonder what he was getting at.  
"Huh? Whaddaya mean a 'baby?'" Zechs asked.  
"I shaw it on camra..."  
"He bugged my room!" Noin cried. "THAT LITTLE PERVERT!"  
"He was probably waiting for a good moment to kill you," Trowa said in a comforting tone. " He complained to us once how he never did kill all the people at Victoria base."  
"Oh shut up!" They bound and gagged Wufei to make sure he didn't tell any more weird secrets about any one and to keep him from doing anything and tried to figure out what was up.  
"He's slobberin' all over that gag," Quatre said absently after an hour or so. Quatre removed the gag getting a good whiff of Wufei's breath. "Ha! I know what's made him act like this! He's drunk! Smells like Vodka to me," Quatre said in triumph.   
"We must never let him neat alcohol," Duo said. "I don't want him runnin' around drunk tellin' people I had a sex change.  
"Sheksh got one too," Wufei stated. "Now him and Noin can't haf no more babies. It'sh wots fer dinner!"  
"No more alcohol for Wufei," agreed Zechs and Noin as one.  
  
And so after their escape they all went to complain to Sally Po, the only person Wufei would listen to seriously. "Whatever an occasion arises when Wufei may feel some desire to drink an alcoholic beverage, you must hand him something else," Heero explained. "We'll also try to keep him from beer and wine."  
"But it doesn't sound like he really did anything bad," Sally said.  
"After declaring that Noin and I were having a kid, he went on to tell the guards outside that Duo and I had a sex change. Then he made everyone play Ring-Around-the-Rosie, musical chairs, and sing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' in Chinese. After that he somehow stole a gun from one of the guards and nearly shot us with his 'squirt gun.' We busted out when he blew up the lock with the gun and we went to get out Mobile Suits. He wet his pilot's chair, hugged everyone he saw, and forced all the soldiers, friendly or enemy, to play duck-duck-goose in their Mobile Suits," Zechs said. "Now tell me he can't have alcohol."  
"I'll keep him on a steady diet of milk at celebrations and parties. I'll make him dress up like that milk guy on the commercials if he doesn't." Wufei walked in fully sober and groggily trying to get rid of his hangover.  
"Who's got some milk?"  
And so Wufei was never again to have an alcoholic drink. True to her word, Sally addicted Wufei to milk. Drilling into his skull that alcohol was bad and would make him weak. She even got him to star in T.V. commercials wearing the milk carton costume. Wufei went on to be a lecturer on the evils of alcohol and did some anti-drunk driving commercials.   
  
A/N: You know the drill...we don't own anything...damn. Well I've posted 2 stories in one day. I must be really bored or something.   
  
J-San says: You see now why Wufei never has any alcohol in my other fics. This event made that happen.  
  
Stay tuned for the next installment of Escapades of Captured Pilots entitled: The Cell Games.  
  
  
  



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